Tell me if you relate to any of the following scenarios:
- You pull open a door to find someone standing on the other side of it, about to enter. You say "sorry" as you meekly skirt past them on your way out.
- You have a question about a subject in class at school. You raise your hand while your teacher is mid-lecture and apologize before asking your question.
- Maybe you're autistic, maybe you have a speech impediment, maybe you deal with anxiety. In a social setting, you misunderstand a joke, you stutter, or you find it hard to get the words out. You feel bad and you ask for forgiveness.
You get the idea. Even if I didn't list your specific scenario, you might be able to relate to the one thing all of these examples have in common:
You didn't need to apologize in any of these.
The habit that quietly kills your confidence and lowers your value
Sorry.
It's a word almost everybody has said at least once in their life.
But sometimes, some of us say it far more often than we should.
Let's be clear about one thing:
It's when you overdo it that it hurts you.
There are a multitude of reasons why you might overdo it:
- You're a people-pleaser.
- You have anxiety or low self-esteem.
- You're conflict-avoidant and you apologize to reduce the chances of a conflict arising.
- You come from a culture where utmost politeness, to a fault, is the norm. This one actually applies to me.
Saying "sorry" excessively might be a symptom of a greater problem you need to solve, for your own benefit.
For example, being a people-pleaser invites more predatory people to take advantage of your soft side and walk all over you.
And what saying "sorry" too often can communicate to other people is:
- You're quick to take responsibility for things, even when you're not to blame.
- You'd rather preserve the peace even if you're not in the wrong.
- You're someone who's easy to walk over, and people might think they can bully you to get their way.
- You're not assertive and won't be able to stand up for yourself.
As a kid, I was a timid people-pleaser.
I used to want to be everybody's friend, and make everybody happy.
It was easy for people to walk over me, use me, and take me for granted. I didn't have a spine or the confidence to stand up for myself, even when I was wronged.
And I suffered for years because of it.
If you have the tendency to over-apologize and say sorry when you've done nothing wrong, you're opening the door for people to see your willingness to take blame as something they can exploit, and for you to go through the same kind of struggles I did.
An abusive partner might use your constant apologies to make you feel even more guilty about things where you've truly done no wrong.
Apologizing when you haven't made a mistake can give people the impression that you actually DID do something wrong, and their perception of you can turn negative.
And quite frankly, YOU saying "sorry" over and over can make YOU think you're doing something wrong, which affects how you view yourself.
Even when in reality, you've done nothing wrong.
You're not in the way, and no, you haven't done anything wrong.
Let's go back to the 3 examples I used at the start of the article to give you some ideas as to why apologizing in those scenarios isn't at all necessary.
1. You pull open a door to find someone standing on the other side of it, about to enter. You say "sorry" as you meekly skirt past them on your way out.
You, my friend, are quite literally going about your day, just like any other human being.
A lot of the time, when you're in a public place, you will cross paths with someone who's going in a direction that you just came from.
And pathways often involve doorways.
So when you're going about your business and you find that someone else is going the way you just came from, there's absolutely no reason for you to apologize.
What have you done wrong?
You're not standing in their way.
You're just living your life.
2. You have a question about a subject in class at school. You raise your hand while your teacher is mid-lecture and apologize before asking your question.
Not asking questions during class when you have them doesn't do you any good.
You're there to be educated, to learn, and to have your questions answered.
Of course, there's going to inevitably be a degree of freedom where you need to figure out how to solve your own problems and figure out the answers.
But that doesn't mean you can't ask questions when they're on your mind.
And it definitely doesn't mean that you have to be sorry when you do so.
You're allowed to ask questions, you're not doing anything wrong.
Nobody has all the answers.
And all you're doing is trying to find yours.
3. Maybe you're autistic, maybe you have a speech impediment, maybe you deal with anxiety. In a social setting, you misunderstand a joke, you stutter, or you find it hard to get the words out. You feel bad and you ask for forgiveness.
This one I see happen a lot.
People feeling guilty about having less-than-perfect speech for any given reason.
Think about it like this:
Whether it's autism, a speech impediment, or anxiety, it's not like you asked for those.
They might give you added challenges in social situations, and it's not like you particularly take delight in that.
You're doing the best you can with what you've got, and that's all anyone can really ask of you.
Sometimes, people have a hard time getting the words out, or they feel flustered.
It might take a little patience to understand what they're trying to say, but that doesn't mean they're doing anything wrong.
So if you find yourself in this particular boat, don't feel bad and beat yourself up.
A time and a place for everything
Like I said earlier, apologizing isn't itself a flaw or something you need to avoid doing.
There will be times in your life where apologizing is very much the appropriate and right thing to do:
- You spill a drink or food on someone, you apologize for the mess.
- You get a little too aggressive with your partner during an argument and yell at them, you apologize for your behavior.
- You forget to do something that you promised someone you would do, you take ownership and apologize.
- You unwittingly point someone in the wrong direction, and they get hurt because of it, you admit fault and say sorry.
But there's a time and a place for everything.
And you might not realize that you're apologizing more than you really should.
So, the next time you catch an apology about to leave your lips, take a moment and ask yourself:
Have I really done something wrong?
- Did I accidentally hurt someone?
- Did I truly inconvenience someone?
- Did I give someone bad advice?
If so, then sure, maybe you do owe them an apology.
But if it's something minor, something like:
- Taking an extra second to come up with a reply,
- Being nervous in a social setting,
- Needing more time to understand a subject,
- Sharing a public space with a stranger,
then no, you don't really need to apologize.
Consider changing your language, what you say, and how you respond to these situations.
If you run into someone at the door, simply say "excuse me."
If you need time to gather your composure in a social setting, ask people to give you a second.
If you have a question about something in class, don't preface it with an apology. Simply start with the question, or say "I have a question."
If somebody needs to get past you, say "let me get out of the way for you."
And in apologizing less, your apologies actually carry more weight.
So when you do apologize for something where appropriate, people will know that you mean it. Because you don't just throw it around all the time.
You don't need to apologize as much as you think you do.
Keep it for the things that truly matter.
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