We've all heard some variation of the following phrase:

"If you want something in life, go out there and get it."

And on the surface, it makes sense.

If you want something, why would you just sit on your butt instead of pursue it?

  • You want the girl, so go ask her out.
  • You want the job, so apply for it.
  • You wanna sell something, so ask people if they wanna buy it.
  • You want friends, so ask people to be your friend.

This is how I thought about my goals and desires for most of my adult life.

But the reality of chasing after what you want isn't always that simple, and it took me a long time to learn something really important about this matter.

Allow me to give you the paradoxical cheat sheet, using some of my personal stories as examples of how this works.

Bumper cars and spiders

I used to work at Target.

I was constantly encouraged to "ask guests about loyalty" and to sign guests up for the Red Card.

And one day, I was asked to run a little promotional stand for a vendor that partnered with Target to sell remote-controlled bumper cars and spiders.

I was allowed to unpack a single pair of bumper cars and a single spider so I could provide a hands-on demonstration to guests that walked by to get them to buy the cars and spiders.

I was basically instructed to stop guests walking by and ask them if they were interested in purchasing them as gifts for Christmas (it was around that time of year).

But here's what I did instead.

  • I spent most of my time playing with the cars and spiders on the floor, letting the guests observe what I had to sell.
  • I greeted guests as they walked past, and made no mention of the cars or spiders.
  • If I happened to engage a guest in conversation, I didn't immediately jump into talking about the cars or spiders either.

And guess what?

I ended up selling out of everything in about an hour and a half.

What gives?

I wanted to sell the cars and spiders, so why didn't I ask for the sale?

Here's the truth about being a vendor at a stand.

1. People can see that you're selling something.

When you're at a stand with products on display while demonstrating the product on the floor, it goes without saying that you're selling something.

And when people walk past you, they're going to feel on the edge a little bit because in their minds, they're thinking:

"Oh brother, this guy's going to stop me to try to sell me something. Better walk past him quickly and not make eye contact."

I know you know exactly what I'm talking about.

You've thought the same thing before at least once when you've walked past people at a stand along the way you're trying to go.

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Something that a lot of salespeople get wrong is they look at customers as simply means to an end, not actual people.

In your mind, you want the sale. So you might think the way to get it is by stopping and engaging with the people walking past you, to ask for the sale.

Well, if you've been on the receiving end of this behavior, you know that more often than not, this actually pushes people away.

People walking past me at Target know what I'm selling. They know that I'm selling something. I don't need to advertise that.

But what I can do is show them that I'm approachable, and to pique their interest through demonstrations.

And if they're interested enough, and they see that I'm inviting, they can come up to me and ask what the cars and spiders are about.

And they did.

That's why I sold out.

I didn't chase the sale.

The sale came to me.

2. You kill momentum by asking for the sale right away.

One lady came up to me to ask about a gift for her grandson, and she pulled up a text message a relative sent her detailing the kinds of gifts her grandson liked.

One idea written was "cars," and she asked me about car ideas.

Here's what I didn't do.

I did not immediately direct her attention towards the remote cars I had for sale.

Remember what I said earlier about the mistake of seeing potential customers as means to an end, instead of as people?

I didn't even think about trying to close the deal with her on the remote cars I had.

My goal was to help her find the right gift for her grandson.

"Cars" as an idea for a gift is still a broad suggestion.

It can mean:

  • A tiny Hot Wheels car.
  • A LEGO car that you build.
  • A big car that you push around with your hand.
  • An even bigger car that you sit around in and drive.

It doesn't necessarily mean a remote-controlled bumper car.

So I asked her for clarity on what kind of cars her grandson usually plays with.

And I'm guessing she picked up that I wasn't trying to force her to buy my remote cars, and I think she could see that I had her best interests in mind, because the next thing she said was that I sold her.

She eagerly picked up a box of the cars and then went on to tell other guests in the store that I sold her, and told them to buy my cars.

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Just because you see an opportunity for a desired outcome doesn't always mean you try to jump on it right away.

Pushy people push people away.

Desperation is a turnoff.

When you actually try to help people instead of see them as a means to your own end and goals, they end up coming to you.

And don't abuse that.

Do actually try to help people.

The cautious, yet curious black cat

I don't want this article to sound too "business-y" with sales advice, so here's another relevant example to the paradox of getting what you want.

Let's step into the dating realm.

I once briefly dated this girl we'll call "Hazel."

Traditionally, I'm not really the kind of guy to play games when I take an interest in a girl.

I'm not afraid to ask a girl out. Telling someone I think they're cute and making my intentions very clear is second-nature to me now.

So it wasn't hard for Hazel to see that I was into her. She knew it, I knew it.

I'm the type of guy that appreciates physical touch, so when Hazel and I came back to my place one night to spend more time together, I didn't expect sex, but I did want to cuddle.

It sounds cheesy writing this, but it's true. Don't worry, I won't go into unnecessary details.

But when I pulled Hazel in, she didn't budge.

Considering how well the date was going up until that point, I was a bit surprised she didn't oblige.

Being the straightforward communicator that I am, I asked her if everything was ok and if she felt comfortable.

She was unbothered, and clarified that she's a bit like a black cat in the sense that she doesn't want to be coerced, but rather, come to me on her own terms when she's comfortable and ready.

Respecting her boundaries, I simply laid down next to her and we continued to talk and get to know each other.

  • I made no more mention of cuddling.
  • I didn't attempt to touch her, or convince her.
  • I didn't get upset at her refusal.
After all, just because a girl's back at your place doesn't mean anything, including sex, is on the table.

I was content that she still wanted to spend more time together getting to know each other.

And true to her word, she slowly but surely grew comfortable with me.

First, she turned over to drape her arm over me.

A while later, she shifted position to lean into me.

And some more time later, she was fully comfortable with me.

Just like I mentioned earlier about not making the mistake of jumping at the opportunity when you see it, I didn't escalate anything as she slowly grew closer to me.

I let her come to me when she was ready, and she did.

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Had I chased intimacy or pressured her into it, that 100% would've pushed her away.

Treat your dates and potential partners with care.

You might want intimacy and sex, but they might not.

And that's ok.

It isn't always about what you want, and while it's normal to want what you want, you can't just brute force your desires.

Besides, healthy relationships are two-way streets. If you're the only one wanting something and they're not, is that person really the right fit for you?

She knew what I wanted, and when I respected what she wanted, she obliged with what I wanted.

There is an art to going after what you want.

A certain finesse is required in certain situations, which is why it's misunderstood.

With many scenarios, the path to getting what you want is pretty well-defined and clear.

  • You want muscles, you get the exercise and diet right.
  • You want better dental hygiene, you take care of your mouth and teeth.
  • You want money, you go to work.
  • You want to satisfy your hunger, you eat.
But as I've outlined in this article, the path to getting what you want isn't always a straight line.

Sometimes, if you want a specific outcome, or person, you can't just chase after them because they're in front of you.

This is especially true for relationships. You can't force bonds or attraction.

  • You can't force someone to be your friend if they don't wanna be yours.
  • You can't force someone to be your boyfriend/girlfriend if they don't like you.
  • You can't force someone to go on a date with you if they're not into you.
  • You can't force someone to like you.
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The reality of human relationships is no one clicks with everyone.

And the sooner you embrace this, the less you'll try to win anyone over.

And that actually makes you more attractive, because you're not trying to please anyone, or chase a specific outcome.

Here are some new lens for a change:

  • If you want friends, become someone people would want to be friends with.
  • If you want a girlfriend, be boyfriend material.
  • If you want a date, be desirable.

This shifts the focus from having tunnel-vision on what you want into becoming a better person.

When you work on yourself to become the best version of you that you can be, people will naturally gravitate towards that.

You're not gonna make friends by begging people to be your friend.

You're not gonna get a girlfriend by drooling after your crush.

You're making the mistake of relentlessly pursuing what you want without actually attracting what you want to you.

In other words, don't always go after what you want.

Go after the version of you that attracts what they want.