I know what you're thinking.
You probably think I took my time to mark down each rejection somewhere, which is how I got the 100 figure.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but no, I don't actually have a tally marked somewhere for each rejection I've faced in my dating life.
If I had to guess, I'd reckon the number is actually higher than 100. I just settled for 100 so the title could seem more reasonable.
These are rejections I've faced over all kinds of mediums, whether I've asked out ladies in person, over text, over a phone call or video call, on dating apps, etc.
As for the dating app part, if you're confused, I'm counting interactions such as being ghosted, never ending up going on a date, and being unmatched.
As someone who's been through so many rejections, I feel inclined to help my fellow gentlemen (and I guess ladies, too) get through theirs.
Let me share with you what I've learned through my rejections.
Lesson #1. It's not always personal.
Jordan Peterson once said:
Nothing makes a man more self-conscious than being rejected by the woman he desires.
It makes sense too. It's easy to start to question why you were rejected.
- Was it because I was ugly?
- Did I come on too strong?
- Was I wearing the wrong clothes?
- Was there something stuck between my teeth?
- Did I ask the wrong questions?
For instance, sometimes, your values might not align with your crush's. Maybe they want to date someone who doesn't want kids while you do, and just because there's that discrepancy doesn't mean they hate your guts.
Maybe they want someone with a similar lifestyle who loves to play sports and be outside, but you're more of a homebody. A rejection over this doesn't mean they don't like you as a person.
Maybe a family member of theirs just passed away and they’re smack in the middle of grieving and are in no emotional state to even consider dating someone during this time.
Understanding that rejection isn't always a personal attack on you will help you get over it much quicker and in a much better state of mind.
If it turns out that the rejection is a personal attack, is that someone you would want to be with anyway?
Lesson #2. Keep getting rejected until you're desensitized to it.
Let's get the BS out of the way – yes, at first, rejection is in all likelihood going to sting.
If you haven't been rejected before, you're not used to the feeling of being turned down by the person you desire.
For most people, this feeling kinda sucks, and even more so for the first-timers.
You may feel embarrassed. Insulted. Hurt, and confused. You may especially feel self-conscious, like we talked about above.
Your answer is to get used to eating rejection, because I promise you, more of them will come down the road.
If you let rejection knock the wind out of you each time it happens, you risk ending up quitting altogether. The rejections take a much heavier toll on your mental and emotional health. You lose motivation to continue dating.
Don't be afraid of getting rejected. Go out there and eat them for breakfast.
Don't aim to be rejected, but don't let your world come crashing down if and when it happens.
Rejection is normal, so the sooner you get used to what it feels like, the easier you'll be able to dust yourself off after the next one.
Just keep swimming, because there are plenty of fish in the sea.
At least one of them is bound to love you.
Lesson #3. Giving up is NOT the answer.
I touched upon this in the callout in Lesson #2 above, but I want to expand upon the "giving up" part.
As someone who's been rejected a whole bunch, I will admit there were times when I felt like giving up and even thought that I'd give up dating forever, if not at least for a very long time.
So if you're getting dating burnout and you need to take a break, by all means, do so. Use that time off to focus on yourself and make yourself into a better, stronger, more successful person.
However, if you know deep inside your heart that you still want to end up with somebody, no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise, you should know that the only thing you can do is persevere.
Even if you decide to refrain from asking other people out (which I don't recommend because you're moving passively instead of actively seeking what you want), you need to be open to opportunities that present themselves to you.
If someone attractive approaches you on the street and asks you out, you need to be open to that interaction.
Closing yourself off because you "gave up" is shooting yourself in the foot.
You might be someone, like me, who ends up getting rejected a crap ton. Like we talked about earlier, yeah, it's gonna suck initially, and it can still suck for a while.
But that's why we talked about getting used to it first, so that when you become desensitized to rejection, you are less tempted to give up.
Don't give up. Keep searching.
Lesson #4. Your homework is to move on.
I hate liars and people who play with the feelings of others, and "hate" is a strong word that fits.
This is why I wrote an entire article dedicated to encouraging people to master rejection because a lot of people these days missed the memo on being a decent human being in the dating world.
Ask out enough people and you're bound to run into someone who lies to you about why they rejected you.
- "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend."
- "I can't go out that day, I'm meeting up with friends."
- "I'm actually only visiting the area."
The thing about these lies is that you can’t verify them most of the time, but that doesn’t stop people from lying, does it?
And then you have people who just play around and instead of straight-up rejecting you, they'll lead you on for a bit or keep their lack of interest in you ambiguous and unclear.
- "Oh, I'm not available on Friday" instead of just saying they're never going to be available for you. Ever.
- "Maybe we can go out some other day?" Translation: "Sorry, I'm not really interested in you like that." But they can't say that because 99% of the time they don't have the guts to.
- "Let's plan something for this weekend!" And then they never answer your texts or calls ever again.
In these examples, it’s not rejection that’s the problem; it’s the acts of dishonesty and playing with your feelings that are the problems.
I'm going to put my emotions aside and just say something that you need to grasp:
Whether people lie to you or play with your feelings before shutting you down, the most important thing to remember at the end of the day is that they're not interested.
Your homework is to move on and leave them behind, because they're clearly not interested and they're just wasting your time.
I can understand you completely if you wanna tell them off. I get it if you want them to have even the slightest idea of what kind of stress, pain, sadness, or anger that they put you through. The feeling of wanting to call them out.
I truly can empathize. I wish people would just learn to be honest and not lead you on. It’s disgusting and it’s cowardly.
However, like I said, you just have to focus on moving on and forgetting about them. They probably won't be the last to lie or play with your feelings, and you can't pick a fight with everyone who does this.
Don't stress out over someone who doesn't stress out over you.
Lesson #5. Focus less on asking people out. Work on yourself first.
This last lesson took me a lot longer to learn than I'd like to admit.
I would also argue that it's the most important lesson out of them all.
There's a lot of content out there depicting guys approaching people randomly on the street and asking them out for hours on end.
While I applaud anyone who has the guts to shoot their shot, rather than spending a lot of time and effort on asking people out, I think one's time is better spent working on oneself.
As the saying goes, an investment in yourself always pays the best interest.
Working on yourself first and foremost makes you a better person. Whether this means:
- Achieving higher levels of financial wealth, prosperity, and stability.
- Improving one's level of hygiene and grooming standards.
- Getting into better shape and becoming physically stronger.
- Educating oneself on different things and getting involved with intellectually stimulating content and conversations, making one mentally stronger.
- Working on a project like a side hustle to eventually become your own boss.
There are a plethora of ways one can define "working on yourself" that all lead to bettering yourself and your circumstances.
Why it's a good idea to always be working on yourself and doing better speaks for itself, but it also increases your dating appeal.
This point of view especially speaks to my fellow men as the natural pursuers and initiative-takers in the dating world. Work on yourself and let your dating appeal show naturally over time.
If you placed yourself in the shoes of a woman and looked at your male self, would you be interested in dating you?
Be honest. It's okay if you say no.
If you don't think there's much appeal to you, that's a sign that you need to work on yourself. You owe it to yourself to unlock your latent potential and shoot for the best version of you that you can be.
No one is a better wingman to you than you are.